Slaughter Griffin

I hate Family Guy. I always have. Probably the lamest, most aggressively and unrelentingly boring TV show I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. Granted, I haven’t seen the whole thing (there are 22 seasons, for crying out loud), but believe me when I say I’ve seen more than enough. My friends, who are otherwise fun to be around, have all tried to convince me time and time again to give the show another shot. “Come on, Travis, I promise this is a good one!” they say, and every time, it’s another dud. I groan every time a character does another one of those “cut-away gags”. Absolutely mind-numbing television. I was considered the Family Guy hater of the group. Honestly, my friends don’t even like the show as much as they let on. They just like to piss me off sometimes, as friends do. Funnily enough, the horrific story I’m about to tell you happened entirely because of them.

It was 2019, and Family Guy’s 20th anniversary was approaching. To commemorate the occasion, Fox decided to host a competition. Complete a trivia quiz about Family Guy and get a chance to meet Seth McFarlane himself. When my friends found out about this, they decided I had to know about it. I wasn’t sure why they were telling me at first, but they explained their reasoning. They wanted me to enter the competition as a joke. None of us thought anything would come of it, but we decided that the mere likelihood of me getting a picture with the creator of my least favorite TV series of all time was too funny to pass up. Surprisingly enough, we got all the questions right without even needing that much help from Google. I guess we had seen just enough of the show to answer everything we needed to.

We sent it in and laughed and joked about it for a bit, thinking we’d just move on with our lives after that. There’s no way I’d actually win, right? There are millions of Family Guy fans out there, the chances were astronomically low. But lo and behold, a letter arrives in the mail a week later.

"Congratulations!"

"You have won the Family Guy 20th Anniversary Competition! You really are a fan!"

When I opened the letter, I burst into laughter. Me, of all the people to enter. What are the odds? I immediately called my friends over, who then also burst into laughter upon reading it. The letter had a bit more writing including a time, date and address. This was real, and it was happening.

When the time came, me and my friends went on a road trip to the location listed in the letter. When we arrived, we were so excited to meet him and get this photo. We’d hang it on the fridge and It’d be the funniest item I’d ever own. Boy, what a story it’d be. When we arrived, however, Seth McFarlane was nowhere to be seen. The area was relatively empty and we were next to the sea. A pilot with a gray beard standing by a private jet spotted us, and made his way to our car. He asked which one of us was Travis, and I answered. After asking for my congratulations letter to confirm my identity, I gave it to him, and he told me to come with him to the jet. I was, of course, hesitant. I asked where Seth McFarlane was and when we’d meet him, and he told us that only I alone had permission to see him. He was on an island which we’d reach via the private jet. This was confusing. Nowhere on the competition website or the letter did it say that we’d be meeting him on an island. I asked the pilot to excuse us for a moment, and went to talk to my friends.

After some discussion, we ultimately decided that we had already come this far, and that I’d just have to go alone and meet him myself. We hoped we could all be there, but if this was the way it had to be, then so be it. We thought it’d be worth it. I walked back to the pilot and said I accepted the offer, and got on the jet while waving my friends goodbye. I was nervous, but the thought of having this picture kept me motivated. I didn’t say a word to the pilot for the entire flight, nor did he to me. It was only when we landed that I spoke to him, and even then it was just a quick “Thanks.” There was something about him that unsettled me.

Once I left the plane, I was greeted by none other than Seth McFarlane. He was friendly, but it was the fake kind of friendly, like he was putting on a facade. He was a bit too friendly, immediately coming forward to give me a big hug, which was so awkward. I couldn’t blame him, though. After all, he thought he’d be meeting a fan, and a fan would’ve probably killed for this. I played along, putting on a facade of my own, pretending to be a huge fan. On the island was a large mansion, clearly owned by Seth. I was about to ask for a picture with him so I could leave, but before I could get another word out, he invited me inside. It would’ve been rude to decline, so I accepted.

He let me inside, telling me to have a look around while he left to go speak to the pilot at the private jet for a second. There was so much in the mansion. Family Guy, Ted, American Dad. Anything to do with everything he had ever created was in this house. I started to feel bad, imagining the joy an actual fan of Seth’s works would’ve felt had I not entered this competition. However, there was one item I didn’t recognize. A mysterious, unlabelled baseball bat mounted on his wall. I thought I knew about most things McFarlane, but perhaps I missed this one.

After a few minutes of exploring, Seth entered the house and continued talking to me, so I kept playing along. I had clearly underestimated the duration of this meet-up. Was I about to spend the whole day with Seth McFarlane? The unfortunateness of the situation made me giggle a little, which Seth noticed. He stopped in his tracks and asked what was so funny. His entire demeanor changed for a moment, like the facade had slipped. It surprised me, and scared me a little, but I nervously responded saying I was just having such a great time. His demeanor then returned to what it was before, and the visit continued as normal. Or, at least, as normal as it could be. We sat in the kitchen and continued talking, when he asked a question I found very difficult to answer.

“So,” he said, “what do you like most about Family Guy?”

I stuttered for a while, trying to think of some bullshit to say, but I couldn’t think of anything, nor could I have simply chalked it up to just nervousness. Seth looked at me like he knew something was up. I couldn’t keep up my facade any longer. I told him the only reason I had even entered the competition was because of a joke with my friends, so that I could get a picture with him. I got carried away, and ended up telling Seth McFarlane, to his face, exactly what I thought about his show. I went on and on about how it was boring, unfunny, pointless, and a chore to sit through. When I finished speaking, I saw that the bright look on his face had completely vanished. His demeanor had yet again changed completely. The truth was out. I instantly regretted everything. After many agonizing seconds of silence, he spoke again.

“Do you really mean it?”

There was no use lying, so I said yes, I meant everything I said. I felt awful and apologized for wasting his time. I was about to get up and leave, but he put his hand on my shoulder and stopped me, with a single tear falling from his eye.

“I agree with everything you said.”

I was at a loss for words. How could he have agreed with every nasty thing I said about his show? Was this some kind of joke? I nervously asked him what he meant. He said that ever since the show’s inception, Fox would never give him full control over his creative vision. They apparently completely changed the show the day he first pitched it, and never gave him the chance to do what he wanted. He went on about how the studio took his initial idea and “bastardized it, mangled it, ripped it to shreds and pieced it back together as a monstrosity”. He told me he hoped to work with the studio for a while and eventually steer the show in the direction he wanted once he had more control, but they never allowed him to fulfill his “true artistic vision”. He went on a long rant about the show, longer than mine somehow, calling out all of its problems, talking about how insane he felt seeing people talking about how good it was. He seemed to hate all the fans of the show, rambling about how they all had no taste and weren’t “worthy”.

I felt seen. For the first time, I had finally met someone who hated Family Guy as much as I did, and it just so happened to be the creator of Family Guy himself. Seth no longer needed to put up any sort of facade. He seemed genuinely happy. We talked man to man, without a care in the world. It no longer felt like I was awkwardly speaking to the creator of a cartoon I hated. I was now simply chatting with a friend.

We had a great time. We went on about our lives, our struggles, and we got very comfortable with each other. When the sun started to set, we figured it was time to part ways. I never imagined I’d leave the island missing him. I took a picture with him, as I intended to do from the start, and said my goodbyes, but before I left, he said “Wait.” I asked what was up, and he said he had one last thing to show me. The original cut of the pilot episode, and what remained of his original vision. This was apparently what he originally showed to Fox before they changed everything about it. He said he had to make sure I knew what the “true Family Guy” was before I left the island. I knew I had to see it, so I said yes without hesitation.

He took me to his basement, where he brought out two bean bag chairs, a dusty box full of VHS tapes, and an old CRT TV. He took out a peculiar tape and blew all the dust off. He told me he couldn’t bear to watch this for years because it brought him too much sadness to know what could have been, but now he finally had someone who understood him to share this with. I admit, I was touched by his words. If this had happened with something I created, I know I’d likely feel the same. After he inserted the tape and turned out the lights, I sat on the bean bag chair next to him, and watched the screen which illuminated the room. It was time for me to see the real Family Guy.

The episode started fairly normally, all things considered. Of course, the characters all had different designs, but it was still very much Family Guy. I was wondering what sort of changes were made, because at that point it felt like the same show. Needless to say, I was starting to feel disappointed. I didn’t say anything, of course, but Seth seemed to sense I was beginning to lose interest, so he turned to me and simply said “Wait for it.”

After about a minute of seemingly a normal Family Guy episode, I was feeling confused. I looked at Seth, but he was just staring at the screen, smiling. I could sense a cut-away gag was about to take place, and I had to stop myself from instinctively groaning, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what happened next.

Peter said to Lois, “This reminds me of the time I beat a man to death!” just before a loud, abrupt cut to real-life footage. I jolted back in my chair. The footage seemed to show a beaten, bloodied man crawling on the floor, pleading for mercy. It was hard to make out where the man was, as it was extremely dark. The person holding the camera seemed to be the attacker. They were holding a baseball bat covered in the man’s blood, and they started to hit him as he crawled on the floor. His screams were haunting. The footage kept on going. This was no simple cut-away gag.

I assumed this was a performance at first, a staged recording to shock the viewer, but as the footage kept going, it became increasingly clear to me that it was all real. The culprit pushed the camera extremely close to the dying man’s face as they just kept on hitting him, each hit more violent than the last. This lasted for many minutes. After a while, the man could no longer speak. The attacker moved the camera away from the man before dealing one final and fatal blow directly onto his face. The man stopped moving.

I sat there in shock. I thought it was over, but the footage kept going. The attacker put the camera down on the ground, and just kept hitting the lifeless corpse. I turned to Seth, confused and terrified, but his eyes were still glued to the screen, his mouth still smiling. He was laughing extremely hard as the horrific footage just kept playing. This was the happiest I’d seen him the entire day. I didn’t know what to do. The entire rest of the episode would be more of this disturbing footage, but one part would stand out above the rest.

After what felt like an eternity of watching a man in his final moments, pained and begging to be spared while experiencing a brutal demise, the killer picked up the camera one final time, and turned it to show his face. It was Peter Griffin.

I was in complete shock. I sat there and processed what I just watched. As the VHS tape ended, and the screen was overtaken by static, Seth McFarlane turned to me and said two chilling words.

“He’s real.”

His demeanor had changed yet again. I knew then and there that this was the true Seth McFarlane. He saw the fear on my face, and suddenly pulled a knife from his pocket and lunged towards me. I immediately dodged and ran upstairs, trying to escape, but he grabbed me and stabbed me in the leg. I yelled in pain, but managed to escape his grasp anyway. I ran around his mansion trying to make my way to the front door, but he knew the house better than I did, and cornered me at every turn. There was nothing I could do but fight.

I noticed the baseball bat mounted on his wall, and grabbed it quickly. He screamed “NO!” and tried to slice my hand, but then I hit him as hard as I could in the head and knocked him out. I knew I didn’t have much time before he woke up again, so I went outside and ran to the private jet as quickly as I could.

I entered the jet and shouted “Take me back! HURRY!” but I got no response from the pilot. I looked at the front of the jet and saw a pool of blood coming from the cockpit area. I walked to the front and saw the pilot’s lifeless body with many stab wounds. I was never meant to make it back from this trip. It was a death trap set by the wicked maniac known as Seth McFarlane from the very beginning.

I pulled out my phone hoping to call for help, but there was no signal. I thought it was over for me. He was going to wake up any second and finish me off. I was never getting off this island. However, as fate would have it, I spotted a small boat in the distance. A humble fisherman, it seemed. I shouted and screamed for help, and thankfully, he noticed and sailed towards me, letting me onto his boat. He asked what was wrong, but there was no time to explain so I simply demanded that he sailed away.

When we returned to land, I thanked the fisherman and called the police and then my friends. I met back up with them and when they asked me why I was gone for so long, I explained to them everything that just happened. They thought I was just making it all up, and that this was all a joke. I desperately tried to convince them I was telling the truth, but they continued to dismiss me, only repeatedly asking if I got the photo. I did, so I showed them anyway, but insisted that the photo wasn’t the point. Seth McFarlane was dangerous and had to be stopped! They still laughed as if I was joking. Oh well, I thought, the police would find the island any second now, and Seth McFarlane would be arrested. Then I could show them it was all real.

Unfortunately, I received some shocking news the next day.

I visited the police station, and the officer in charge of the case sat me down and told me they had found no mansion or jet on the island. McFarlane was nowhere to be found, nor the pilot. The site that hosted the Family Guy 20th Anniversary Competition had been changed a day prior, announcing that the competition sadly had to be canceled and that McFarlane was no longer available for the meet-up. Aside from a picture with Seth McFarlane that could’ve been taken on any day, I had no proof of winning this competition. The letter I received was gone, left on the island which had been completely cleaned up.

So now, I write this to the world, in hopes that someone will heed my warning. Do not trust Seth McFarlane, no matter what your friends tell you. I had no idea what could’ve caused him to set up this trap in the first place. Was it contempt at the fans of the show he considered to be an abomination? It was clear the winner was going to die no matter who they may have been. Did he let me live when he thought I was like him? Then, upon realizing I wasn’t a sick freak, attempt to kill me before I exposed his secret? Whatever the case may be, I know one thing for certain now more than ever before.

I hate Family Guy.